My Hopes For 2013

This past year has been crazy from the very beginning, and I’ve spent much time reflecting and looking back over it.  Through the many ups and downs I experienced, I am ending this year a much stronger person than I started it out as.  With this being said, I’m ready to close this chapter of my life, soak up the good memories from it, learn from the bad ones, and continue to grow and move forward as I enter into this next year.  I have a lot of faith and hope in this next year as it will be full of drastic changes.  In less than a week, I will be packing up all of my things, driving to North Carolina, moving in with a girl I don’t know, and begin teaching classes of my own.  I anticipate and look forward to the many changes that this will bring, and these are some of my new hopes for this coming year:

      I hope to be successful, finally not having my parents to help me out in any way.

I look forward to making new friendships and keeping in contact with the amazing ones I already have.

I want to become even healthier – eating less preservatives, getting back to working out regularly, beginning to run again, and living an overall healthier lifestyle.

I hope to maybe fall in love, and if not, learn from more failed dating experiences :)

I will become a more independent woman, as I won’t have anyone to help me figure out what’s wrong with my car or any of those other tasks I go running to my dad, brother, or other guys for.

I plan on learning how to better manage my money.

I want to strike a balance between the Kara that used to go out and party a lot and the Kara that stays at home by herself more often than not – finding a happy medium.

I hope to read more books and continue doing all of the learning that I can.

I aspire to be the best teacher that I can be.

I want to learn how to let go of hate quicker, love more, and judge less.

This may not sound like much, but I’m sure that striving to make these things happen will consume most of my year.  I pray for happiness and success, not only for me, but also for my friends and family.  I know I will look back on 201 2 fondly some years in the future, but I look forward to all of the changes that will be happening in 2013 as well!

My Battle as a Long - Term Substitute

My moments are spent thinking and rethinking.  Planning and re-planning.  Trying to fall asleep at night is pointless.  I reflect on the day.  Each lesson.  Each class.  Each student.  Each response.  I am so thrilled when students participate, attempt questions, “get it”, and share a little bit of their lives with me, but these moments, are just that – moments. 

I can’t stop thinking about the students who didn’t write, who didn’t talk, who say, “I hate this shit,” under their breath.  The students who stare off into space.  These students, the ones who “don’t care”,  are the ones that consume every ounce of free time and “free” thoughts.  What can I do differently?  How do I engage someone who refuses to be engaged?  Some days, I feel like I would do anything short of selling my soul to just find something – anything that they enjoy, but yet these things, no matter how you turn them, shape them, try to make them work, don’t fit into the classroom.  You can discuss, read, write, and watch videos on just about anything. BUT, it’s English class, therefore it fails in their opinion.  And I, therefore, fail in my opinion. 

“Just write…,” I say.  “I did,” they tell me.  “Keep writing.  Just write. It makes you smarter!” I tell them.  “No it doesn’t.  Math makes you smarter!” one yells out from the back.  Maybe there’s truth to that, but as I struggled with math, I surely wouldn’t ever know.  The five minute battle of writing wages back and forth.  Twenty versus one.  I surrender – “Okay, so let’s talk about it.  What do you think?  What words of wisdom and life advice have your parents or grandparents passed on to you?”  They return my question with blank stares.  I glance behind me, reassuring myself that this very question has been displayed on the board for the past seven minutes now.  “Nothing!” one shouts out.  “My mother hasn’t taught me anything.”  I try to wade through the water of these comments, knowing it’s their way of not having to write to any of the follow up questions.  Getting answers is literally like pulling teeth.  10 minutes down – 35 more to go. 

 I take a deep breath, trying to slow my mind that’s racing.  If the first 10 minutes were this rough, these next 35 minutes will certainly be a gauntlet.  “Poetry;” I tell myself, “They’ve got to learn the basics before we can do more fun things.  Just bear with me.  We are almost done with it.  Have a little faith in me.  It could be worse.  I’ve had worse.”  So I tell them to open their packets to where we left off.  I know allegories aren’t fun, but I bet they know the Hunger Games.  I think, “Hey this might work!  Maybe they will be interested once I can connect the two.”  Well, maybe three people were interested.  “Let’s just get through this.  We are almost onto the fun stuff,” I assure them.  I’m immediately met with, “Yea, whatever.  I hate English.  I hate poetry.”  I begin to think, “Maybe I should have them write a poem about hating English and poetry,” but then I remember we’ve already discussed this.  Once I teach the lesson and give their short assignment, I’m immediately met with, “How long does it have to be?” “What?”  “How many points is this worth?  Will it change my grade?”  I try to entice them.  “Make it your own.  Make it funny.  Be creative.  Write about honey badgers for all I care.”    I send them on their “creative” journey for the last ten minutes of class.  I sit down.  Look at tomorrow’s lesson plan.  Hit “DELETE”.  Start over.

You Find Out Who Your Friends Are

How beautiful a day can be

When kindness touches it!

~George Elliston

I have been so touched by the kindness that so many people have shown me over the past couple of months as things have progressively presented me with a challenge one day after another.  I have people that I’ve never even met face-to-face tell me to let them know if I need anything.  I have friends drive over an hour to come pick me up to spend time with me, knowing all the while that they will have to drive over an hour to take me back home.  I have phone calls from people asking me how I’m doing.  People offer to come by and help me with whatever I need, even if that just means a smiling face and a milkshake.  Friends who say they will come by next week with drinks and watch TV with me since I still won’t be able to drive.

 The morning of my surgery, I received three bright and early texts from my brother and two other friends wishing me good luck, and they were the same people texting me as soon as it was over asking how it went.  While these things may seem like small gestures, no one had to do any of this.  None of them would benefit from their kindness towards me.  I’ve also received so many words of encouragement, advice, and prayers from friends on facebook over these past couple of months, and it is nice to know that people care. 

People often talk about how others come out of the proverbial “woodwork” when they need something, which is true, and something I’ve experienced as well, but lately it seems like I have been blessed with people coming out of the “woodwork” to share their kindness.  I have been overwhelmed by the amount of people who have shared their small acts of kindness with me.   I think that people who emerge from the “woodwork” to help when times are tough are true friends and people you can count on.   If it were not for these people in my life, I don’t know if I could have managed to get through all of this on my own.  All of the small, kind sentiments add up to where I know I have so many great people in my life.  During these times it is also easy to figure out the “other” type of people who crawl out of the “woodwork”.  I’m sure we have all encountered this type – ones who leave you high and dry when things get too hard or difficult, ones who want you healed up and better because they need you for their own benefit, and ones who just cut you off completely because you can no longer offer them the things that they need or want.  Since about August, I’ve noticed some people who fall into this category, and to them I say, “good riddance!”  I have so many caring wonderful people in my life, that I don’t need to keep “toxic” people around.  I cannot help but think of Tracy Lawrence’s song where he sings:

You find out who your friends are
Somebody's gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas, get there fast
Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far'
They just show on up with their big old heart
You find out who your friends are                  

These words in the song are so true.  I have so many people that do things like this for me every day, and I will not hesitate to repay the kindness when the opportunity presents itself.  You are all so great and wonderful.  Thank you for bringing a smile to my face day after day, especially on the days that I really need it.  Never underestimate your small acts of kindness – although very small, it might be all that someone needs.  

What Are My Friends Doing to Me : Organic T-Shirts and Shampooing with Baking Soda

So, my friends are turning me into a hippy tree-hugger.  Well, maybe not that exactly, but here lately it feels like it.  I've never been into the whole organic and going green thing.  Yes, I know it's important to protect our environment, and I will recycle if the opportunity is readily available, but that has always been good enough for me.  I'm accidentally learning that I really like organic, more simple things though.

My first "ohhh wow" moment was when I borrowed a t-shirt from a friend.  I immediately remarked, "Oh my gosh this t-shirt is so soft! Where did you get it?"  She then told me that she orders all of her t-shirts from a website that uses 100% organic cotton.  I threw that tidbit into the back of my mind because I fell so in love with the softness.  

Not even moments later I walked into her kitchen to make my usual egg sandwich breakfast that I make several times a week.  I grabbed an egg, noticing it was free-range - okay, that's cool, an egg is an egg.  After I cracked the egg into the pan to let it cook I also searched out my bread choices.  I grabbed a loaf that was purchased from a local farmer's market that was freshly made without all of the junk that comes in store-bought bread.  I then reached into the fridge and pulled out a slice of 100% natural cheese.  I thought, "Perfect!" since I've been trying to cut out a lot of preservatives from my diet due to a fitness/health standpoint.  I slapped my sandwich together and took a bite and without even finishing my bite exclaimed, "Oh My Gosh this is sooo good!  I make this all the time, but this just tastes amazing!"  So far I was two for two on the whole organic stuff that morning.  

I managed to make it through the next couple of weeks with my sub-par t-shirts and breakfast sandwiches, but all the while being kind of upset that my stuff was just not as good.  I then was back at the same friend's house (as you can tell she knows what's up with this whole organic business!) and I showered there one morning, as I spend the night there just about every time I go over there.  I went about the day, but to later go home and realize my hair felt the best that it ever has.  Of course, knowing that it had to be that shampoo, I texted her asking what the name of the shampoo was and where she bought it (since it was not a bottle I had ever seen before).  She told me where she purchased it, and then told me once again, that this too was 100% organic.  Okay, so now I'm becoming a believer at this point.

As I was thinking about how awesome my hair felt, I realized the ends of my hair were looking awfully rough since it's been a year since I've had my hair cut (if you read my last blog it talks about my resistance to cutting it for whatever reason).  I decided to give the whole olive oil treatment a shot.  I'd read about it before, but always opted for some store-bought method instead.  However, in my state of my wallet being broke and busted, I reached for the Extra Virigin Olive Oil, microwaved it for about 20 seconds, and spread it through my hair from about half-way down to the ends.  It said to use a shower cap to pop over your hair for thirty minutes to allow your hair to really soak up the EVOO, but hello, I own nothing of the sort! Of course I grab the next best thing I can think of, and begin to saran wrap my head.  And no, I did not take pictures, but let me assure you, I embodied sexiness! Well, maybe not, but nonetheless I let it go to work for about 45 minutes.  I had to wash my hair twice to get it all out, but holy hair - it worked!  Hello shine!  

Now so far, this has all been great, but here is where it gets a little bit weird.  A friend of mine posted on fb a few days ago about foregoing shampoo.  Gross right?  Instead, people who do this opt to wash their hair with baking soda and rinse with Apple Cider Vinegar.  I read up on this before, but quickly dismissed it because quite honestly it sounds really gross to not use shampoo.  Unfortunately, I have nothing but time, and after the amazement with the organic shampoo I thought, "what the heck - let's give it a shot!"  So today I grabbed some baking soda and headed to the shower.  I made some paste-like consistency of baking soda and water, massaged the stuff through my hair paying special attention to my scalp, then proceeded to shower, and then rinsed it out.  Also while I was in the shower, I remembered that another friend had mentioned that she had been using baking soda as an exfoliater on her face so I figured since I already had the baking soda to go ahead and give that a try too. After my "baking soda shower", I got out, put in my leave-in conditioner through the bottom half of my hair, brushed through it, and clipped it up as usual while I did my makeup.   First of all, let me say my face felt really soft, and this is coming from a girl who has tried a wide array of skin care products.  My hair seemed to dry a little faster than usual, and this was great because it saved me some time.  I then blew dry my hair, leaving the ends just a little bit damp.  I tossed my hair into a regular ballerina style bun and got dressed.  I drove ten minutes to my mom's house and took my hair down.  Not only did my hair look and feel clean, I had amazing volume and even bouncy curls.  This does not happen with my hair.  I did not use any hairspray or anything.  My mom even remarked at how great my hair looked.  The picture below is of my hair hours later; not quite as curly, but still more body than what I normally have.  I'm not sure if this is something I will stick to regularly, but it has definitely changed my perspective.  

Who knew that olive oil and baking soda could make my hair look so good?  And who knew how soft 100% organic cotton feels and how great organic food tastes?  Perhaps I'm becoming a believer in all of this stuff, but I honestly had to see and try it to believe it.  I'm sad of what I've been missing out on all these years.  I'm interested in what other stuff is out there as well!  Let me know if you have any other suggestions because I'm up for trying it all out! (Just don't even think about convincing me to give up meat...)

Bucket List

So last night I got to shoot a gun...multiple times...and that is something that I've always wanted to do.  This led to me thinking about other things I want to do, essentially my bucket list.  I realized that I've already done a lot of cool things.  Some might seem meaningless or trivial to some, but hey, it's my life and my bucket list.  So here's a couple of lists - one list of things I'm glad to have done, and a second list of things I want to do.  Enjoy!

Things I'm Glad to Have Done:

- shoot a gun
- go skiing
- swim with dolphins
- parasail 
- shoot a bow/buy my awesome "flamingo slayer"
- ride on a motorcycle
- visit the Grand Canyon
- visit New Orleans
- drive a truck off-roading in the creek beds
- do St. Patty's Day Chicago style, parade, dyeing of the river, etc.
- snorkeling in Key West/ swim in close proximity to sharks
- graduate college
-spend an afternoon in Mexico with my dad
-travel all on my own
-see Johnny Cash in concert

Things I want to do:
- visit Italy
- write a book
- visit India
- move
- learn to play the guitar
- run a 5k
- visit Germany
- go scuba diving
- visit California
- buy and enjoy a really expensive bottle of wine
- go deep sea fishing
- own a horse
- go to a rodeo
- swim in the Mediterranean
- kill a deer..a big one
- visit Niagara Falls
- stay at a place with a swim-up bar
-own a pair of louboutin heels
- go to a Bears game

I'm sure this list will continue to grow, but now I want to know what's on YOUR bucket list?

"Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are."

Wow, this past year has been a whirlwind.  I know a lot of things have changed, but just in flipping through some pictures over the past year I realized how really not-so-far long ago a lot of things were. 

Almost a year ago I was in a relationship in which things seemed to finally be working.  I was so content with my life.  I was just getting ready to start my last year of college and the horizon was just in sight.  When I described my life as content though, I meant just that - neither bad, nor exceptionally good in any way.  Life just "was" essentially.  Due to circumstances, that relationship obviously fell apart only weeks later.  I believe it was around the first day or two of class because I remember thinking that the added emotional distress was all I needed at the beginning of a school year.  As much as that all sucked, it propelled me forward with a new sense of purpose.  I worked my butt off for the first time ever in school.  Granted, this should have been happening well before my 5th year of college, but nevertheless, it happened.  I buried myself in my schoolwork and my job selling cosmetics.  It was hard to worry over a relationship I knew had finally been put to rest if I kept myself busy with a purpose.  That semester flew by.  I was up to my elbows with homework and the work that my not one, but two internships required of me.  I was so busy that I had to quit my job just to keep up. After months of this I gave in and went on a date or two.  Obviously, that didn't take off either, but I didn't care because I was striving to be the best with the work I had to do.

That semester came to a close, and Christmas break was a welcomed relief.  During the break I began babysitting for a friend that I used to work with.  I spent much of this time preparing for my TWS (Teacher Work Sample) for my student teaching internship.  Essentially, this so-called TWS is a huge headache, a bunch of statistics (which for me is about the last thing on earth I know how to do), and basically required me to continue burying myself in my work.  

Over Christmas I was talking to my cousin who lives in North Carolina and teaches over there.  In the back of my head, I've always wanted to live somewhere warm, and for those of you that know me, know I love my country music and cowboys.  I'm not sure where this came from, and I'm pretty sure my mom is completely thrown for a loop, but that's just the way I've always felt. (Minus that one phase where I dated a guy who looked totally Jersey Shore, but that's besides the point).  So, I mentioned that I'd like to come down and visit, and who knows, maybe even look for a job down there.  Not even a week later I was out at a bar that I like to go to every now and then with a friend.  I randomly start talking to a guy and he asked what I do.  I explained that I was getting ready to finish school after the following semester and hopefully get a teaching job.  I also randomly mentioned (and to this day do not know why) that I just talked to my cousin who teaches in NC so that was somewhere that I might like to go. Low and behold, wouldn't you know it, he too lives in NC and was simply here visiting over the holidays. Cool. (Upon later investigation, he lived in the exact area I was interested in visiting)  So, he gave me his number telling me to get ahold of him if I ever made it down to NC.  I walked away and back to my guy friend and said, "I think that guy's kindda cute!"  And he responded with the often-spoken, "Oh, brother Kara! Just leave it alone!" 

January came quickly as my break was not as long as I was accustomed to since I began my student teaching, and I wanted to begin on the first day of their semester.  Over the course of my student teaching I really began to focus in on wanting to move to NC.  And that guy I thought was "kindda cute" kindda turned into something.  And that's what I'll call it - "something". And that something continued.  I liked that something.  That something made me feel like I had someone I could always talk to, but at the same time I couldn't be hurt by someone so far away.  I loved that something.  The weeks of that second semester of my student teaching flew by. Oh, and I moved during that semester too!  I was living at home, but moved to a smaller town to live with my brother and his friend.  This was my first real time living on my own without any relationship, minus that something thing I had going on...  It was a great idea, and I haven't regretted it whatsoever. The semester ended and I finally graduated, and I was quite proud of myself.

I began applying to tons of teaching jobs in NC and even flew down for an interview.  I got to spend time with that "kindda cute" guy, and I got to love that something, but then my time was up and I had to come back home.  Over the past two months I began to lose hope that NC would happen, and so too, my something kind of came to a close too.  I was shocked to see that I could in fact be hurt by that "something" with that "kindda cute" guy who lived nearly 20 hours away.  Losing that something sucked, but as always, I don't have time to feel sorry for myself too long. 

 This all kind of leads me to where I'm at now.  Just the other night, a professor sent me a message about a position that just opened up in a great school district and told me to email the principal my cover letter and resume with a brief note of how I heard about the job.  I got everything together and emailed by 9, and the principal emailed me back only 15 minutes later!! (This might not seem like a huge deal, but if you've read my previous blogs, you know that principals are like mythical creatures that you never get to talk to or receive any response from).  She directed me to fill out an application online and send it in. So I did.  An hour later I had applied.  I woke up the following morning expecting to hear something from that school and I checked my email before I even had both eyes open.  I open my email and the first thing I see takes my mind a minute to register.  It was the principal from NC that I interviewed with months ago asking me if I had found a position yet.  I very quickly responded that no, as a matter of fact, I had not.  It seems the moment that I finally, truly, and fully accepted the options and opportunities that have been given to me, the ones that I really wanted presented themselves.  Maybe.  I'm still waiting until Monday to see what I hear from both places.  Everyone keeps asking me what I will do.  The school here close to me is a great school, but staying here is not what my heart truly desires.  

So, in the past year, my life went from being pretty content, to me chasing a dream.  Some days I'm not even sure what that dream is.  I've had a lot of doors slam in my face.  I've watched many futures that I envisioned in my life shatter.  I've been burned.  I've had many highs and many lows where I am crying for reasons even I'm unsure of.  One thing I am certain of, is that I have grown so much in this past year.  I feel emotionally strong. Although I'm not sure what my life has in store for me, I'm positive that something - the right thing- will work out.  

On a side note that makes me giggle:  I feel like Samson from the bible kind of (you know, the one whose power was manifested in his hair; if it was cut he would lose his power).  About a year ago I had my hair cut because I have always kept it on the shorter side, but now I refuse to cut it.  It's the longest that it has been in a long time.  It kind of feels symbolic of this past year.  I feel a symbolic strength in it :)

I Just Wanna Be Mad for Awhile

I'm going to take a brief moment and quit putting on my happy face.  In the words of Terri Clark, "I'm just gonna be mad for awhile."

This afternoon I had a phone call that answered a lot of things for me, but sometimes you just don't want to hear what you really need to.  I am happy to have answers, but that doesn't mean I have to like them.  In another conversation today I expressed how things probably aren't going to turn out the way I want them to this year (although, that doesn't mean next year can't be different).  After all of this I was so ready to go spend time with my friend at the pool, so I hopped in my car, and two minutes later I realize my ass is about to get hit by a huge freaking van pulling something behind it.  I hate those, "Ohhh Shit!" moments.  I swerved, honked my horn, saw a telephone pole, and braced for impact, which is probably why I'm already feeling so dang sore.  From my past experience, these next two or three days are going to hurt.  My first reaction wasn't anger, but concern for their safety, then mine.  This was shortly followed by a complete moment of adrenaline, only to be followed up by sheer boredom and annoyance for the heat outside.  My annoyance from the heat then turned to annoyance of the fact that, "ughh I know have to deal with insurance, estimates, drawing out a stupid little diagram of my car getting smashed; great, now I have to take my car in to get fixed, and it's probably worth next to nothing and is totaled."  I probably wouldn't have been so annoyed, but I've spent the past several days jumping through hoops and waiting on hold with health and pharmaceutical insurance companies, among other people, trying to get a prescription filled.  I HATE dealing with this stuff.  In my opinion, this is one of the worst things about having to grow up - dealing with the boring aspects of your problems.

I'm more than glad for my safety, and despite things not going as planned in my life, I know that I have so much to be thankful for.  This past month or so has made me such a strong person, but that doesn't mean I haven't taken a bunch of bruises, both literally and figuratively.  So for now, I'm just going to take a couple of hours and feel quite honestly sorry for myself, drink a few of the beers my cousin so kindly left in the fridge, and hope and pray tomorrow brings better things.

Why I'm Finally Breaking Down and Writing a Blog

So, let's cut to the chase!  I just graduated this past May with a degree in English Secondary Education.  My first thoughts on this - "HOLY CRAP I ACTUALLY REALLY DID IT!!"  For a period in my education, I was pretty doubtful that I ever would graduate, but five years and the price of a house later, I am a proud owner of a Bachelors degree. So go me!  I thought that life after this point would be a piece of cake. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little, but I thought that two months later I would have a lot more direction/purpose in my life.  But, I don't. 


I appreciate all of the well-wishers and concerned people in my life, but only those who genuinely care.  If I had a dollar for every time I've been asked if I've, "gotten a job yet," I wouldn't freaking need one!  Back off me yo! Well, that's what I would like to respond, but obviously that's not very polite, and quite frankly, the only reason it does bother me is because NO, NO I DO NOT have a job yet.....For months before graduating, I decided that North Carolina is the place for me.  Anywhere south and close to a beach is right up my alley, and since I have a cousin who teaches there I figured, "Hey! I'll go there!"  


So things started falling into place.  I applied to a bunch of positions after weeks upon weeks of writing and revising resumes, cover letters, portfolios, and doing all of the tedious work that it all requires.  I applied to about 20 jobs in a particular area, and I figured I would certainly get one based on the odds that I was looking at.  In that small area, there were 20 jobs; in the surrounding area where I'm at now, there were about a total of 3.  I'm certainly no mathematician by any means, but I figured the odds were in my favor in NC.  So, okay, my phone wasn't ringing off the hook with schools clamoring for my amazing teaching skills...if I can even call them that yet?  However, I did have one school call me for an interview, which happened to fall during the week that I did not have to babysit this summer.  Fate, right?! At this point I called around to other schools trying to talk to someone...anyone... to try and make the most out of my trip. ( I'm beginning to believe that school principals are simply fictional and do not exist, or at the very least, do not  speak, acknowledge, or use the telephone in any way what.so.ever. ) Much to my disappointment, but not for lack of effort, I ended up with just the one interview, but hey, better than none!  The interview was short, but went very well.  The principal I interviewed with was very friendly and seemed genuinely interested in me, but that's about where the story ends.  I've called to follow up several times, and each time they are still, "interviewing applicants".  I want to say, "Why? You already interviewed me! GIVE ME the job!"


So I'm kind of at a standstill, and starting to prepare my backup plan, which leads me to the purpose of this blog.  With all of the uncertainties in my life right now I:


a) have far too many thoughts in my head, and I'm sure people on fb are tired of them
b) have come to accept the many good and bad realities of life
c) have become a more spiritual/religious person than I probably have ever been leading up to this point in my life
d) have found out who true, good friends are
e) have had a lot of time to reflect on my life, which I think, and hope, is making me a better person


Because of these things, I will now voice the many strange, interesting, sometimes boring, and maybe every now and then insightful things here.  If you're up for the ride, I hope you tag along for this journey!